Vegetarian not Vegan

My Dad teased me for eating eggs even though I'm a vegetarian. He said that the eggs have potential to hatch into chickens so I shouldn't be eating them.

I told him that I'm pro-choice.

Future Politician

My son is a master of rephrasing things.

"I not yelling, I just talking loud."

"I not picking my nose. I checking for boogers."

"I not kicking you. I just putting my foot on your face."

Reason I shouldn't be allowed in public #32

My husband let me meet his friends. This is a very rare event, as I frequently embarrass him. I didn't disappoint him today:

(Husband's friends are comparing scars)

Husband's Friend: I have a scar on my taint! Does anyone want to see it? It's shaped like a lightening bolt, so I'm like Harry Potter. Zach? Want to see my scar?

Me: Hey, I have a scar there too! Child birth is a bitch!

(Smiles were replaced by looks of horror as people realized that I was telling the truth)

Oh god, what have I done?

Never do a Google Image Search for a medical procedure the night before you are going to get that medical procedure.

Old Lady

I picked an argument that I shouldn't have picked. I was at the mall with my two-year-old and he pointed to an old lady.

Son: "What's that man doing?"
Me: "That's not a man, it is a woman"
Son: "Nooo Mom! HAHA! That's a man!"
*Old lady glares at us*
Me: "No, it is a lady. She's sitting down."
Son: "HAHAHA! Noooooo! That's a man!"